Hello, World

gardener-1015584_640I’m slowly starting to return to this world. I’m 10lbs. lighter and I will have missed two weeks of work when I officially go back at the end of the week, but at least I didn’t end up in the hospital or SI or anything. This was, in fact, an episode of DID- not depression, although from an outsider’s perspective it pretty much just looks like I had a nervous breakdown and fell into depression. (Not to mention that in the midst of it, I still always forget that it might be a DID episode, as amnesia is a key a part of the disorder.) The road back in different though. I need to stabilize my nervous system, as opposed to loading it up with antidepressants. Up goes the Topamax and Latuda and down goes the Zoloft.

I’m still not back to my fully functioning self. I managed to go to a half-day work training session today but I was majorly panicking the whole time, and was almost in tears when I had to fill out a simple form and realized that my brain is not working right yet- a form? How do I fill out a form? (Even blogging is quite the task. I’ll keep this short.) I checked my work email to find over 300 emails, which overwhelmed me even more. As did interacting with a few co-workers. I’m still getting those “crazy looks.” I’m not sure exactly what I look like right now- Is it because I’m pale? Have dark circle under my eyes? Lost weight fast? Look stoned on more medication? Am still dissociated? Or can people actually see crazy. See that something’s not right. Whatever it is, I’m getting those looks still. One more short training session tomorrow; two more days of rest, and then I officially go back to work. I pray that I’m more stable and strong by then.

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